Blog #5 Opvoeden is een kunst

hoe doen we dat toch

Hoe voed je een dreumes op? Wanneer ben je consequent, of hoef je niet meer zo consequent te zijn? Geven we ze wel of geen straf en wat voor straf geven we ze dan? Moeten we misschien compenseren met onze kinderen? Moeten we alles bespreken en uitleggen aan onze kinderen, of gaat het ze niks aan en dienen ze gewoon te luisteren? De aller belangrijkste vraag die ik wel eens hoor: “Maar als ik boos doe tegen mijn kinderen, houden ze dan nog wel van mij?”

 

Ik was op internet wat aan het zoeken naar een leuk boek. Uiteindelijk was ik beland op bol.com en kwam ik een boek tegen: Geef dat kind een slok jenever – 70 jaar geleden sliepen ouders vredig & ongestoordvan Dorine Hermans en Els Rozenbroek. Wat mij opviel was, natuurlijk de titel, maar ook de samenvatting van het boek en dan met name deze zin: “…een generatie ouders die wordt gedreven door het verlangen hun kinderen een feestelijke jeugd te geven. Ouders die de rol vervullen van gastvrouw en -heer: als de gasten zich niet uitbundig amuseren hebben de ouders gefaald”. Dan ga je nadenken. Wat wordt er precies bedoeld met deze zin? Ouders willen er voor zorgen dat hun kinderen het altijd naar hun zin hebben, dat ze altijd gelukkig zijn. Ben je zelf altijd gelukkig?

Hoe voed je een dreumes op? Een moeilijke vraag, want is hier echt een handleiding voor? Moeten we onze kinderen allemaal hetzelfde opvoeden? Kunnen we onze kinderen allemaal hetzelfde opvoeden? Mijn eigen dreumes is een druk ventje. Hij leeft graag in zijn eigen wereldje, hij heeft dan op dat moment ook vrij weinig belangstelling voor de dingen die om hem heen gebeuren. Of nou ja, belangstelling, hij heeft gewoonweg niet door wat er om hem heen gebeurd. Dit is natuurlijk niet erg, maar soms wel vervelend wanneer je hem bij je wilt roepen, want dit hoort hij dan echt niet.

Wanneer ben je consequent? Is het überhaupt nog wel belangrijk om consequent te zijn voor onze kinderen? Hebben onze kinderen wel echt regelmaat nodig? Mijn mening? Ik denk het wel. Ik denk dat kinderen zeker structuur en regelmaat nodig hebben. Wij weten een hoop van de wereld, ook nog lang niet alles, maar zij weten nog helemaal niks. Zij kunnen zelf geen regels bepalen want zij weten de consequenties van deze regeltjes niet, wij wel. Kinderen weten niet wat belangrijk voor ze is en als zij dit wel weten dan vinden zij dat niet belangrijk genoeg, want alleen de leuke dingen zijn belangrijk voor hen. Kunnen wij onze kinderen alles dan laten bepalen alleen maar omdat zij het dan leuk hebben? Kunnen wij continue de leuke gastvrouw of -heer zijn voor onze kinderen? Moeten we dat willen? Ik zou het liefst ook willen dat mijn kind het de hele dag naar zijn zin heeft, maar dat zou betekenen dat ik hem de hele dag zou moeten vermaken. Ik moet er niet aan denken! Hij zou toch ook moeten leren om zichzelf te vermaken. Als ik hem dan bij zijn speelgoed neerzet en zeg dat hij zelf moet spelen dan wordt het een driftkikkertje. Soms moet ik daar stiekem om lachen omdat hij dan als een idioot om zich heen zit te slaan om al dat speelgoed uit zijn zicht te krijgen.

Geven we onze kinderen straf? Straf geven is lastig. Je wilt zeker niet hardhandig zijn naar je kind toe, maar je wilt wel dat je kind luistert en weet wat wel en wat niet mag. Kinderen moeten kinderen blijven, maar wanneer gaan ze te ver? Wat is de grens? Is straf geven wel de juiste benaming? Zetten we hen net zoals Jo Frost (The super Nanny) in the naughty corner? Ik doe het wel eens. Maar of het echt helpt? Daar ben ik nog niet echt over uit. Wat voor “straf” geven we ze dan? Dreigementen? “Als je nu niet ophoudt dan mag je geen toetje”! Het nadeel van een dreigement is wel, op het moment dat het avondeten opgediend wordt (ik bedoel, wanneer je het prakkie op tafel zet) en iedereen (eindelijk) zijn bordje leeg heeft je vaak alweer vergeten bent dat jouw dreumes geen toetje mocht. Nu is die van mij echt nog wel te jong voor een dreigement als dat, hij begrijpt dat nog niet. Soms betrap ik mijzelf er wel op hoor. Hij krijgt ’s avonds nog een papfles. Hij gaat dan heel netjes op de bank zitten (voor vijf seconden) daarna gaat hij op de bank klieren. Ik hoorde mijzelf een keer zeggen dat als hij niet gewoon op zijn billen ging zitten dat hij dan ook zijn flesje niet meer op mocht drinken. Hij snapte er echt niks van. Arm kind.

Moeten we compenseren? ‘Als je nu met mama mee naar de supermarkt gaat, dan mag je een lekker koekje uitzoeken!’ Waarom doen we dit? Willen we ze dan echt mee lokken omdat ze anders niet mee gaan? Als wij boodschappen willen (of eigenlijk moeten) doen dan zouden zij toch echt mee moeten, want ze kunnen nog niet alleen thuis blijven. Is dat dan echt de manier om ze mee te krijgen naar de supermarkt? Of hebben ze überhaupt niks te willen? Ook hier is mijn dreumes nog te jong voor. Ik denk dat dit soort uitspraken ook een beetje onbewust zijn. Je gaat naar de supermarkt, je kind heeft daar totaal geen zin in (jij eigenlijk ook niet), dus hij gaat vervelend doen, jij hebt geen zin in deze onzin, dus je beloofd dat ze wat lekkers mogen uitzoeken. In de hoop dat ze zonder slag of stoot met je mee gaan. Lekker makkelijk, toch? Ik snap het wel. Ook al leer je je kind wel al op een vroege leeftijd te ‘chanteren’. Want later zijn de rollen natuurlijk omgedraaid. ‘Mama, ik ga alleen mee naar de supermarkt als ik een koekje uit mag zoeken! Anders niet!’

Moeten we alles uitleggen en/of bespreken? Hier krijg ik toch vaak een beetje de kriebels van. Sorry voor de mama’s en/of papa’s die dit wel doen. Ik hoop dat het voor jullie werkt en uiteindelijk moet je natuurlijk doen wat goed voelt voor jou en je kind. Je planning voor de dag of wanneer je kind niet luistert of wanneer je kind geen zin heeft om met je mee te gaan. Dan is het dus de bedoeling dat je op het niveau van je kind gaat zitten en aan je kind uitlegt en bespreekt wat er gaat gebeuren en waarom hij mee moet. Oke, dus je hebt een verjaardag. Je kind heeft geen zin, dat kan, ik heb ook wel eens geen zin. Je gaat op je knieën zitten en zorgt dat je kind je aankijkt (dat doet mijn dreumes sowieso niet, want daar heeft hij de aandacht nog lang niet voor) en dan zeg je: “Lieverdje, wij hebben zo een verjaardag van ome Piet, ik weet dat je daar geen zin in hebt, mama heeft er ook geen zin in, maar het is wel zo netjes om toch even te gaan. Dus je mag nu nog heel even spelen en dan over precies 10 minuten (hij kan blijkbaar al klokkijken ook) dan gaan we je speelgoed samen (samen?) even opruimen en dan gaan we naar ome Piet. Vind je dat goed?” Vind je dat goed? Aan je kind vragen of hij het met jouw planning eens is. Dat gaat er bij mij echt niet in, sorry!

Als ik boos doe tegen mijn kinderen, houden ze dan nog wel van mij? Je moet wel een heel naar persoon zijn wil je kind niet van je houden. Het belangrijkste is denk ik om je kind regelmaat te geven en structuur te bieden. Je mag echt wel streng zijn, als je maar niet roekeloos streng bent, wel rechtvaardig dus. Doe genoeg leuke dingen, maar het hoeft echt niet elke dag feest te zijn voor ze. Wanneer jij boos wordt en ze straf geeft is dit alleen maar een teken dat je van ze houdt en dat je ze normen en waarden wil bijbrengen. Je bereid ze voor op het echte leven in de grote mensen wereld.

Opvoeden is zeker een kunst. Het liefst geef je je kind natuurlijk alles. Je ziet je kind het liefst de hele dag door gelukkig, maar toch zijn er regeltjes nodig.

Een interessant boek denk ik (om daar even op terug te komen). Een leuk cadeau tip is het natuurlijk niet echt, want dan komt het over alsof je je ergert aan de opvoeding van de ander. En dat doen we natuurlijk niet! Toch?

We kijken niet boos naar andere moeders of vaders in een restaurant die hun kinderen niet stil kunnen houden, toch?

We hebben ook zeker geen commentaar wanneer we op social media iets zien waar we het niet mee eens zijn, toch?

Ik ga hem zeker bestellen, ik ben wel nieuwsgierig geworden.

Waar ik ook nieuwsgierig naar ben geworden is jullie mening. Hoe denken jullie over de opvoeding, wat voor opvoeding hebben jullie zelf gehad? Wat voor opvoeding geven jullie nu aan jullie eigen kinderen? Hebben jullie leuke verhalen over het opvoeden van jullie kind?

 

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  68. Echt overal zit een zit een gebruiksaanwijzing bij in wel 10 verschillende talen maar helaas bij kinderen die je krijgt niet!

    Alle ouders en elk kind is anders, en niemand kan het ooit 100% ( goed) doen, want wat versta je onder goed!

    Doe wat je hart je ingeeft en trek je niet te veel aan wat anderen zeggen of schrijven, er zijn nog nooit Awards uitgereikt voor beste ouders en dat zal ook nooit gaan gebeuren omdat dat onmogelijk is!

    Met heel veel liefde groeien ze vanzelf!

    Liefs, Mandy

    1. Dat is zeker waar! En een stabiele thuis situatie, veel liefde, discipline en normen en waarden zijn de belangrijkste ingrediënten!

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